


The Way I Am

by CoolBirdChie



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Torture, Panic Attacks, Post-Sonic Forces, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sonic Forces, i'm new here idk how to tag, wow the tags really make it sound darker than it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24699421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoolBirdChie/pseuds/CoolBirdChie
Summary: Be it badniks, dangerous supernatural creatures, or his own insecurities, Sonic has always been fast enough to outspeed any problem that came his way.Until one day, he tripped.
Relationships: Shadow the Hedgehog/Sonic the Hedgehog
Comments: 20
Kudos: 142





	The Way I Am

**Author's Note:**

> cw for a description of a panic attack and general trauma talk

The sweet stillness of the night swayed ever so slightly as a sudden gust of wind razed the slumbering plain. The wind skimmed over the small river, sending splashes and ripples across its surface, cut unceremoniously through the thin blanket of mist covering a shimmering flower field, then took a swerve so as to avoid thick shrubbery in its way, following further along the grassy creek.

It was a normal occurrence around these places. It was the wind’s usual route, for when some head clearing was required. But tonight, for some reason, it just wasn’t happening.

Just a few moments ago Sonic had been lounging around at Tails’ workshop while the latter was busy upgrading his construction assistant mechanism, which he was planning to mass produce for the nearby villages. The war was over, but as the euphoria of victory was wearing off, the gaping wounds it left behind were becoming more and more apparent, so from there it was a community effort to put the world back together, one pebble at a time. The day had been quite eventful and exhausting, and before long, Sonic’s mind began to drift. The daylight lamp on the ceiling above him slowly started to blur, until… Huh, that’s weird. Did it always have that blue-ish hue? Were the walls of Tails’ workshop always this tall? Was the air always so still and chilly? Was that uncannily static metallic scent always there? Was that…

That wasn’t Tails’ workshop at all, was it?

No, this place is well familiar to him. His solitary cell aboard the Death Egg. His home for the last… how long had it been, anyway?  
Ha…  
So it was all a dream, huh? The freedom, the reunion, the victory… Of course. He really should have known better than to get excited. This wasn’t his first dream of breaking out. They were all pretty vivid. They all ended in the same crushing sense of betrayal.  
Crushing.  
The air was growing heavier, pushing down on Sonic’s chest like an anvil. Oh no, that’s not betrayal. Eggman must be messing with the oxygen control again. Or maybe… Well, he did say that he was dumping Sonic into space as soon as all of this is over. So…  
Is it finally over…?  
A black hole was expanding inside Sonic’s brain, dragging inside and consuming every last bit of light and sound. All except…

His name. Someone was calling his name.

Sonic snapped awake with a loud gasp.  
The apparition was gone. Warm yellow instead of distant blue. Smell of cocoa and sandwiches mixed with heated solder instead of spine-chilling metallic stillness. No tall grey walls. No bars. No handcuffs (a few rubs, just to make sure) (wait, we agreed not to do this when- )  
\- Sonic?  
Sonic slowly turned his heavy, aching head towards the sound.  
Tails was standing beside him, welding goggles lopsided and sheer panic on his face.  
\- Sonic! Oh, thank god you’re awake. Are you… Are you ok? You suddenly stopped breathing...

Faster.

He didn’t want to think about that. The faster he goes, the less time he has to think. The faster he goes, the sooner he’ll burn through all this leftover dread in his body. That’s how it works, right?

Faster.

_This probably looked weird._

But he played it cool, didn’t he? It was getting a bit too stuffy for his liking, so he needed to get some fresh air. There’s nothing weird about that. Everyone knows he hates staying inside. Night runs are typical of him. That’s what he does. And wrist rubbing? It can mean anything. Tails doesn’t know about the wrists. He probably didn’t even notice.

Faster.

_He looked really worried though._

Faster.

_More worried than usual. As if…_

_Tails knows._

Ice. A cold needle pierced Sonic’s brain, sending a jolt through his whole body. Suddenly, the world started to slow down.

_He’s smart. He’s probably suspected something was wrong for a while. And now he’s gonna feel guilty, because I just can’t keep it together._

_Idiot._

Slower and slower.

 _Oh, who cares,_ \- another voice chimed in, sharp and acerbic, like a metallic aftertaste in the brain. - _He’ll be fine, he’s not a baby. And he wouldn’t have to feel guilty if he didn’t let this happen in the first place._

A bigger, colder needle. A stronger jolt.

_What.  
Wait. No, no, no, no, no. That’s not-  
He didn’t-  
I can’t-_

_That’s not his fault. He couldn’t have done anything to stop them._

Slower. As if the air resistance suddenly became stronger.

The cold was spreading.

_...Right?_

_Yeah, right. Can he ever do anything? How many times do we have to take a hit for him before he learns?_

The cold had entered the bloodstream, spreading further with every millisecond. The back. The arms, The spines. The heart. The heart. The heart. Every heartbeat like a sharp icicle through the chest.

_That… What? That doesn’t matter. He’s not like me. He’s the brains, it’s not his job to take hits. And he’s my friend! He’s my brother! I’d do anything for him, anytime, no questions asked._

_And would he do the same?_

Slower. Colder. 

_What. What?! Of course he would. And he has, many times before._

Colder. The humid air is growing gelatinous.

_But not when it mattered._

Colder.

_What is this? What is all of this? Why am I even having these thoughts? Why am I- ? I never- I shouldn’t- I can’t think of him like this. This isn’t like me._

_This isn’t me._

The cold spread to the legs, disrupting any control Sonic’s brain had over them, loosening the muscles, icy veins clasping shut like-

Shackles.  
_Shackles.  
Cold.  
Tight. Too tight.  
Smaller step, smaller step, or else I’ll-_

Sonic tripped over his feet and fell tumbling down the creek.

The ground was soft, the grass was soothingly cool and wet with dew. The fall didn’t hurt. Sonic has had much worse falls many times before. It was fine. Everything was fine. 

There was nothing on his legs.

Sonic pulled himself up and brushed sticky grass off his fur, trying hard but failing to shut away the emergency sirens in his brain and desperate thrashing in his chest.

_What just happened._

_I never trip. This isn’t like me. This isn’t me.  
Is this how it’s going to be now? Every time? I can’t run anymore? But I’m-  
I’m Sonic. I run. That’s what I do. If I can’t do that, then who am I?  
Calm down. Calm down. This is not the end of the world. This was just one time (was it?) this won’t happen again (it will), nobody was around, nobody saw this (everyone will notice) (if I can’t run, everyone will notice) (if I act weird, everyone will-) I was just having a lousy night, that’s all, I just need a good sleep (i can’t sleep) (all of this is happening because i slept) (if I sleep I’ll see that again) (I’m going to stop breathing again) (I’m going to die)  
(I’m going to die)_

_I don’t want to die._

The ice crawled up to the lungs and pierced them with thousands of microscopic sharp needles, filling them with freezing void. Sonic gasped for air, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t- It wasn’t going where it should. Sonic clutched his chest, coughing and gulping, vivid darkness enveloping him.

_No. No. This. I’m not dying. I ca  
I can’t die I’m s  
I’m Sonic, I can’t die like th  
kh h_

\- ...eathe.

A hand on his shoulder. A familiar breathy voice through the cotton in his ears.

\- Did you forget how to breathe? Come on. In. Out. In. Out.

Clouded by pulsating murk, a visage of the black hedgehog started to emerge.

\- Sh- ahdo- ?  
\- First breathe, then talk. Focus on me. In. Out. In. Out. See? You got this. You’ll be fine.

The cold was dissipating. The hand on his shoulder was firm and steady. And soon enough, so was the rest of the world.

_Yeah.  
I’ll be fine._

***

\- So, what was that about?  
As always, Shadow wanted to cut right to the chase. Which was fair. He had given Sonic ample time to regain composure. The two were now sitting on the edge of the quiet moonlit creek, not so far from the place where Sonic suffered his unfortunate fall.  
...Yeah, about that. Sonic winced, realizing his dark and brooding companion was still expecting an answer.  
\- Eh, no idea, - Sonic forced out a casual shrug that was almost convincing. - I guess I'm still a bit rusty after not running for a while. You know how it goes.  
\- Sure, - Shadow replied flatly, clearly not convinced. - And that is why you were having a panic attack in the middle of nowhere at 3 in the morning.  
_Owch._  
\- What were YOU doing in the middle of nowhere at 3 in the morning? - Sonic couldn’t properly gauge the amount of defensiveness in his voice before he let the words escape his mouth, and now his only hope was that Shadow wouldn’t comment on that.  
\- Unusual activity was detected in one of Eggman's now abandoned bases, but it turned out to have just been an automated alarm that _someone_ set off by running around like a headless chicken, - Shadow, who until now was looking elsewhere as if giving Sonic space, finally turned to him and gave him a glare so scorching the blue hedgehog could feel himself physically shrink.  
\- Ahaha, whoops. Sorry about that. Did I wake you up?  
Shadow let out a quiet but very exasperated sigh.  
\- You know I don't need to sleep. Don't change the subject.  
_Owch again. Seeing right through me, huh?_  
\- Okay, fine, you got me, officer, - subtle defensiveness was now growing into pretty audible annoyance. Sonic was doing his best to balance it out with the tried-and-tested jokey attitude, but it felt like a race against his own mouth, which he certainly wasn’t winning. - I was having a panic attack in the middle of nowhere. Can I not have a panic attack in peace now? Or do I need your signed permission?  
\- Acting like a clown will not help you either.  
\- Then what do you WANT from me?!

The echo cut through the still night air like a butcher’s knife. It took Sonic a few seconds to realize just how loud that came out. He was now standing, fists clenched, equally enraged and startled by his own sudden outburst. Shadow, on the other hand, looked completely unphased. Maybe a little more tense. Eyes fixed on him.  
\- I want you to cease with the bravado for once in your life and act like a normal person.  
Sonic let out an uncharacteristically sarcastic laugh.  
\- What? Seriously, dude? You of all people are going to preach to me about acting like a normal person?  
Was that too harsh? Maybe. It was too late now. Shadow still looked unphased. Slowly, he raised his hand to his ear.  
\- You're right, I'm clearly not in the position to do so, - the venom in Shadow’s voice was very subtle, yet surprisingly potent. - I'm going to contact Tails now, he'll pick you up and give you a better pep talk.

In an instance, the world froze again.

\- You… are not going to do that.  
\- Why? - Shadow raised a brow. - Do you not want your best friend to know that you were having a panic attack? Is that something you feel like hiding from him? What else are you hiding from your friends you always claim to care about so much?  
Each word was like a hammer to the head. Or was it his own blood pumping in his ears? Instead of frost, prickly, electrifying heat was now bubbling inside his chest.  
\- You’re really pushing it, huh, Shadow? - just now, did he sound threatening? Or threatened? The rising heat was starting to blur the lines. - Sorry, but that’s none of your business.  
\- Right now it is. You are actively preventing me from contacting your friends and letting them know you had a medical emergency.  
\- I’m… I'm fine now, okay?! They don't need to know that!  
\- Or what? - Shadow’s flat, unwavering tone was growing progressively more caustic. - Your friends will find out that you have emotions? That your image as the perfect revolutionary icon is just a front? That you aren't better than them?  
\- Oh, shut up already!  
Sonic leapt towards the black hedgehog with his fist ready, yet the latter didn’t even flinch. That… wasn’t right. That’s not how it usually goes. Sonic’s body was fast, but the pang of uneasiness was faster to catch his fist mere millimeters away from Shadow’s face.

Ever-impenetrable serious expression. Cold red eyes. Uncanny serenity in the voice. 

\- Do you really want to do this now? 

_Do I?_  
It’s not like Shadow to not want to fight. It’s not like Sonic to lose his cool so disgracefully. It’s not like… It’s not like it’s supposed to be. Why is everything so wrong?  
The burning, bubbling sensation turned into oppressive heaviness. Heaviness in his arms, which were now hanging limp; heaviness in his chest, pushing out a resigned sigh; heaviness in the whole body, in the whole being.

\- I don’t. I’m really not in the mood to have a fight now, Shadow.  
\- Good. Neither am I.  
Sonic almost choked on his breath.  
\- Wh... Then why were you…  
\- I wasn’t.  
Shadow sounded even more serious than usual. There was some strain in his monotone voice that Sonic couldn’t quite identify the nature of. He turned away with a sharp, frustrated sigh.  
\- I wasn’t trying to pick a fight. I’m… - a barely audible groan. - I’m not good at this. But you wouldn’t let me delegate this to anyone else, would you?

_“I’m not good at this”._

Oh.  
Of course. Shadow wasn’t trying to antagonize him. He was checking on him. He was worried.

_You even got Shadow worried, you dingus._

Sonic decided it would be better to sit back down. The two sat in silence for a while. It wasn’t awkward, as they both needed some quiet time with how turbulent their conversation had turned out. Still, it was obvious that at some point the quiet time had to end, and neither of them seemed to know when and how to end it.  
Surprisingly, Shadow was the first one to break the silence.

\- ...Right before all this happened, - he started, his quiet voice like dry leaves rustling in the wind, - Infinite trapped me in his augmented reality bubble. Not for long, but it messed with me more than it should have. I knew he was going for you next. But I was too late. In that moment, it felt as if reality - actual, true reality itself - had fallen apart. You were gone, Omega was out of order, fake Shadows were roaming around wreaking havoc…  
Shadow paused, as if trying to recollect his scattered emotions that kept bleeding through the cracks of his otherwise calm narration. He took a deep breath.  
\- I… I still don’t quite understand what happened then. Maybe it all reminded me too much of the worst days of my life, but I… did not act rationally. Instead of helping the Resistance, I broke off all contact with everyone, even Rouge, and set off to pursue Infinite by myself. I thought it would be better this way. But in the end, all it did was lose even more precious time.  
It was weird to hear Shadow open up like this. Pain, guilt, regret… These weren’t new emotions for him. And yet, it was rare for him to be so upfront about them. So… vulnerable. Sonic wanted to say something, but the words were too heavy to make it through his throat.  
\- I am not your parent or your boss, Sonic, - Shadow proceeded after another pause, his voice stifled just a little. - I am not going to tell you what to do with your life. But everyone who knows you and what you’re about - they know you’re bluffing. You are not fooling anyone. Six months is a long time, especially for someone like you. I don’t believe for a single moment that you came out of it unscathed. And neither do your friends. So if you’re being like this because you don't want to worry anyone, it's too late for that.  
He wasn’t wrong. No matter how much Sonic tried to deny it, at least two people now knew something was going on. But Tails was likely already overthinking it, since he was there when everything happened, and Shadow pretty much caught him red-handed. The others though… Well, everyone was acting pretty casual these days, even Amy. And why wouldn’t they be? Sure, he’d been in space jail for six months, so what? He’s Sonic. Sonic is always fine, for as long as he’s alive. That’s how it’s always been.

It wasn’t like Sonic himself could understand why this time was different.

\- …It's… Really embarrassing, you know? - Sonic rubbed his spines awkwardly. - My life has never been peaceful. I've had my fair share of near death experiences. But of all the things to trip me up, it had to be this. Sitting on my butt for half a year. I don't think anyone would actually believe that anything like this could happen. That's just… Not like me, you know?  
Shadow let out a chuckle. Maybe Sonic was just imagining it, but it sounded kind of sad.  
\- I’ll admit, your mental fortitude when it comes to escaping death by a hair has always impressed me. Even when I was the one trying to kill you, - _wow. Nonchalant much?_ \- But let's be fair, you weren't "sitting on your butt for half a year". You were forcibly detained and denied movement. That's a little different.  
Now it was Sonic’s turn for a sad chuckle.  
\- Pff. Weird hearing that from you. You know, after you landed me in jail that one time.  
\- Oh please, that was barely a jail. It’s like calling a cardboard box “a jail”. You busted out of there the moment you got bored.  
\- Eh, that's not really how it went. But you’re right, that place was more like a resort.  
\- Fair comparison, considering Prison Island doesn’t usually… - Shadow, who only now seemed to finally start to ease up a bit, suddenly cut himself off, his whole body tense. His face was, as always, unreadable, and yet if felt as if it was physically painful for him to maintain eye contact.  
The familiar alarm sirens went off in the back of Sonic’s mind.  
What is it that they don’t usually do in Prison Island? Something so messed up that even Shadow was uncomfortable saying it out loud? Sonic could name a few things. But…

\- …I know what they were doing to you on Death Egg, - Shadow said at last. - Rouge showed me the recordings.  
\- Oh.

 _Oh._  
The words sent the whole world spinning for a moment. Of course. Rouge. She was the one who found him in the first place. Of course she would have access to the footage (dear god, was it all being recorded this whole time? Yikes). Of course she would tell Shadow. Who else did she tell? Sonic wasn’t sure if he was mad at her or not. But it certainly made things a little more complicated.  
\- I… didn’t really want anyone to know, haha… - he forced out with an awkward, slightly-twitching smile on his frozen face.  
\- That’s unfortunate, because everybody knows. 

_Everybody, huh!_

Shadow sighed, probably having noticed the silent panic Sonic’s weird grin was telegraphing.  
\- Listen, I understand why you’d want to keep others in the dark, I really do, but that's a weird thing to try and hide, considering how many other prisoners saw you.  
\- W-well, they only saw me in the corridors, they didn't actually… They, uh…  
\- They only saw the aftermath.  
\- ...Y-yeah… - this was so awkward. Why was this so awkward? One would think that finally having someone to discuss it with would feel more liberating than this... - I don’t know. I mean, obviously nothing good could’ve been happening to me there, so even if it did spread around how chewed up I was looking all the time, I guess I just… wanted to spare my friends the details.  
\- Luckily for you, so did Rouge. That's why she decided against showing them the footage. Said it wouldn't do them any good.  
A nervous, but slightly relieved, chuckle.  
\- Y-yeah, it really wouldn't. Not exactly a movie night material.  
Shadow’s face assumed an odd expression, as if someone had mixed concern, disgust and deep sadness, and then dumped it all on a rock.  
\- There. You're doing it again. You did this in the recordings too. No matter what they were putting you through, you just… - Shadow winced. - You just kept cracking jokes. Like the insufferable clown moron you are. God. I'm not even sure what was harder - watching you being tortured, or listening to your terrible jokes.  
\- Pffhah! - Sonic burst out laughing, his body unable to sustain all the pressure inside any longer. - Ah-haha, sorry, sorry, it's just… I just… Hhc...

As the rogue laugh broke through the barrier of a thousand tensioned wires, something else escaped with it.  
Tears, uncontrollable and uninterrupted, were streaming down his face still frozen in a goofy anxious smile. It probably looked weird. It certainly felt weird. Like a glacier melting. When was the last time Sonic got to cry properly? When was the last time he _needed_ to cry properly? Isn’t crying supposed to feel relieving? Then why did it feel like the more pain he was pouring out, the more still remained inside him? Just how much of it was in there?..  
Shadow waited silently until the heaving sobs died down.  
\- Sonic, - his voice was quiet, but firm and unwavering. - How did it really feel?  
For some reason, this simple question sent shivers down Sonic’s spine.  
How did it really feel? Where to even begin?

_Nowhere. Nowhere. It was fine. It wasn’t that bad. I’ve been through worse. I don’t even know why it has to be such a big deal. I can bear this just fine. Smile! If anyone knows, if a n y o n e k n o w s . . ._

\- It w… It wasn’t that b…  
\- Oh, yes, I can see that, - Shadow rolled his eyes. - You don’t have to be like this. I am not the Doctor. And I am not Tails. Your reasons for acting tough in front of them do not apply to me. So, just… tell me. Without jokes, without bravado. How did it really feel?  
He was right. There was nothing to stop Sonic from just telling him. He wouldn’t gloat, he wouldn’t go down the self-blame spiral, and he certainly wouldn’t pity him. For the first time in a long while, there was someone right in front of him that he could confide in. But…  
Was there anything to tell? How _did_ it feel?

A kaleidoscope started spinning rapidly, shedding plastic-coated flakes of words, sounds, images and sensations.

Under their weight, something snapped.

\- You want to know? - Sonic’s voice was tense, sharp and quivering, like an overtightened guitar string. - You want to know how it really felt? Did you not see for yourself?!  
He groaned and punched the ground, the groan progressively filling up with more and more frustration, until it became a scream.  
\- It SUCKED! I hated it! I hated every second of it! Eggman and I, we've been at each other’s throats for so long, and he never once won, but he knows exactly how to hurt me. He went all out with this one. And I had to just bear it! What else was I supposed to do?! That "you didn't win, asshole" was the only thing I had left, I wasn't going to give that to him, and I wasn't going to take it away from other prisoners either! The fact that I was there in the first place was already enough of a downer, would seeing me miserable and in pain help them? I already messed this up so much by getting caught, this was the least I could do!  
Sonic threw his hands in the air in a frantic, confused motion, not knowing what to do with them. He was trembling.

\- Oh, and the stupidest part? It really wasn’t that bad! Everything you saw - water, electricity, sound, fake Zavok using me as a punching bag… That wasn’t what broke me! I would honestly rather have all of that over just… sitting... in that goddamn box. I hated it, I hated it so much! I couldn't run, couldn't move, I couldn't tell what time it was, if time was moving at all. Sometimes I, ah, sometimes I wasn’t sure if there was any air. Maybe there wasn’t? Sometimes there wasn’t. Sometimes I wasn’t even sure if I was alive. Do you know why I ran all the way here? Because I freaked out over being in a room! In a normal room, where I’ve stayed many times before! I was… having a nap? I was just having a nap! Now I can’t even have that? When I don’t move, I feel like my blood is freezing. I, I constantly have to make sure there’s nothing on my wrists, or on my legs; I trip when I run because suddenly I feel as if my legs are tied again. As if I’m back there, in that cell, with those walls, and that smell, and that stupid blue light. At least if I was being dragged out of there for another session of Eggman’s funky science theater, it meant I got to have a break from that. I got to walk, I got to see something, I got to… feel something. Do you… Do you realize how messed up it sounds? That’s something I’d expect you to say. I do not say that. I do not feel that way. This is not who I am. Why was I made into this? Why was THAT all it took to turn me into this?! 

Echoes rang out in the dead of the night. Sonic was breathing heavily, his brain and whole body abuzz. It felt strange, saying all those things after avoiding them with such rigor that he’d almost convinced himself they didn’t exist. Was it supposed to make him feel better? Did it make him feel better? It was hard to tell. One thing was clear - just how much he actually wanted someone, anyone, to hear this.  
The steam was out, and in the emptiness it left behind, deep sorrow welled up at once.

With a sigh, Sonic dropped on his back, sinking into the soft grass.  
\- I… can’t do this, Shadow. I can’t tell them any of this. If I do, they will realize that “Sonic” is merely a performance at this point. They need Sonic. This world needs Sonic. But I’m not really sure I know that person anymore. Would Sonic be like this? Bitter, erratic… angry. Would… Would Sonic ever be angry at his friends?

Sonic turned his head towards Shadow, the pain in his eyes and his voice almost tangible.

Shadow was silent, yet his body tensed up. Maybe Sonic was just imagining it though. 

\- I’m mad at them, Shadow, - he continued, each word like a dagger into his own chest. - I know I have no right to be, not with what was happening down here. And I don’t want to be! And yet, I can’t help it. Why did it take them so long to find me? Yes, I know. Everyone thought I was dead. But... Would that stop me? If that happened to any of you, would that stop me? It’s not like I exploded in front of everyone’s eyes. Or burned in the atmosphere, or whatever. I even asked Tails, just in case Infinite actually pulled something like that. But no. Eggman just took me and left. Was that really enough? Why, why did everyone just… accept that I was gone for good? 

Shadow was silent. He was looking up at the sky, the moon reflecting in his unreadable eyes.  
A minute passed. Than another. 

\- …Are you mad at me too?  
Eerie, overemphasized restraint, as if to mask anxiety.  
Sonic closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
\- ...Yeah. Yeah, I am.  
Shadow nodded.  
\- That’s fair. I’m also mad at me. 

He turned to Sonic, his red eyes no longer cold and unreadable, but smouldering like embers with ardent determination. 

\- I’m sorry, Sonic. I’m sorry that I let this happen to you. And that I didn’t find you sooner.

Huh.

Sonic’s brain, which had been swarming with thoughts and emotions right before that, went completely blank for a moment. He turned away with a half-confused, half-annoyed grunt.

\- ...I guess that should have made me feel better, but now I just feel like crap for making you say that.  
\- I meant it.  
\- I know you did. I… know everyone would. That’s the worst part. I know they all blame themselves, and somewhere deep down they’re probably afraid I blame them too. I… can’t let them know that I actually do. 

Saying those words felt like chewing glass. There was something painfully liberating in giving this cycling, tormenting thought a voice. Finally admitting to the crime. But scorching regret wasn’t too far behind.  
Sonic sprung back sitting and clasped his head in his hands, shaking it wildly, as if trying to shake the thought out.  
\- Argh, I feel so scummy. See what I mean? They don’t need all this. They don’t need to know. I don’t want their concern, and I especially don’t want their guilt. I just want everything to go back to how it was. I just… want to be Sonic again. 

A short, reserved chuckle.  
\- Hey, I didn’t say anything funny this time, you jerk! - Sonic scowled.  
\- Sorry about that. I guess I’m just… relieved? You're worried about not feeling like yourself anymore, but all of your worries are so… Typical of you. If I was blaming you for something, no matter how unjustified, my first impulse would be to beat you up and tell you in detail how much I think you suck. I wouldn’t worry that you’d hate me for that, or that it’d hurt your feelings.  
Sonic raised an eyebrow.  
\- ...You, uh, think I should beat up my friends?  
\- No, Sonic, don’t be obtuse, - Shadow growled. - Though I’d watch that. I’m betting on Knuckles.  
\- Shadow…  
\- You started it. What I’m trying to say is, the fact that you even care about such things, that the thought of ever resenting your friends is what hurts you the most… That’s just the kind of person you are. Putting others first, worrying about how everyone sees you, even when you pretend you don't.  
Sonic threw his hands in the air indignantly.  
\- Hey! Would you stop roasting me? I thought we were having a moment!  
\- Tell me I’m wrong, - Shadow smirked. Seeing that infuriatingly smug grin was weirdly comforting. But also infuriating. The moment didn’t last long though. Shadow leaned back and turned his gaze towards the moon, his face serious again. Maybe even a little wistful. Or maybe it was just the moon. The moon always makes things look a little wistful.  


\- You know, I hate to say it, but we’re really not that different, - he said, his voice a bit softer than usual. Just a bit. - When others worry about me, I get annoyed. I still don’t understand that part of life. I don’t know how to act, so I’d rather they just don’t do it. It’s easier that way. Your reasons might be different, but you’re the same way, aren’t you?

Sonic looked down at the blades of grass at his feet. Was he really that emotionally closed off? If so, since when? And were his motives that different from Shadow’s? He never knew what to do with other people’s concern. It was awkward, it was annoying, it was restricting. It’s much easier to do whatever you want once you’ve convinced everyone around you that no matter what you do, you’ll be fine. He was thankful that his friends didn’t bombard him with their concern after he came back. Even Tails was holding it in pretty well, most of the time. But considering they all knew about him being tortured, and still did their best to keep up a semblance of normalcy for his sake…  
In the end, what was supposed to liberate both him and everyone he loves became a silent prison for them all, and right now, this prison was about to collapse under its own weight, threatening to bury every bond Sonic has ever cherished. And yet, somehow, the thought of ever being vulnerable was so much scarier than this horrifying realization.  
Why did everything have to be so complicated…?

\- For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always laughed in the face of certain death, - Shadow continued. - I don’t know if it was ever genuine optimism, or if you were trying to keep up appearances for others’ sakes. The thing is, this time, for once, you were hurt so much that you couldn't turn it into a joke anymore.  
\- Heh, is that a challenge? - a glare worth a thousand words in return. - Ok, ok, I get it. Sorry. Continue.  
\- Sonic, I don’t know how familiar you are with trauma, but… trauma is ugly, - Shadow frowned, and the sheer amount of pain in that frown made Sonic shudder. - It doesn’t care about your public image. It will bring forth the ugliest of your emotions. How you deal with them is your business. You really don’t have to tell your friends what you told me here. This isn’t about them anyway. But you can’t keep running away from this. Acting like it didn’t happen, or like it wasn’t so bad, or like you aren’t Sonic anymore, because Sonic is this infallible constant you cannot betray. Sonic is a person. Who hurts, who bleeds, who does stupid things, who stumbles, who forgets how to breathe, who has doubts and confusing feelings... Who changes. All of this is you. This is who you are. And this is your life now. The sooner you accept it, the easier it will be for you to start climbing up from this mess.  


Somewhere along the way Shadow’s speech grew more fiery and passionate than he would have probably liked. It didn’t seem like he noticed. Or even if he did, maybe the subject was too important for him to care. It would have been sort of amusing, even comforting - if it didn’t hit so close to home. _“This is who you are. This is your life now”_ \- the words echoed in Sonic’s head, their resonance sending ripples throughout his mind, awakening all of his deepest dreads at once. Why was it such a scary thought? The feeling of being a stranger to himself was so painful, and yet, it felt like something that, with time, could be reversed. But accepting that this mess of a person was really him all along, that the tight knot of bitterness and nightmares exists side by side with the happy-go-lucky hero everyone knows and loves; that the life he has built for himself was not as sustainable as he thought it was, and he might have to tear it all down and rebuild it, piece by piece, to accommodate the new him, before it all crumbles on its own...

  
\- I…  
Sonic felt his throat close up.  
_“This is who you are. This is your life now”._  
\- I’m… scared. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want to be treated differently. I don’t want things to change.  
Shadow shrugged and turned away.  
\- I’m afraid it’s too late for that.

_And how is that supposed to help? What do I do from here? That can't be all there is to it. How do I make it okay? How do I make it stop hurting?_

Sonic shot a glance at Shadow, who was staring into the distance, deep in thought but with enough intensity in his gaze to break a steel beam. That speech must have stirred something in him. Something he didn’t want to deal with either, and yet he was forced to, and it was tiring him out so much, for so long.

Of course. 

It wasn’t fair to expect Shadow to answer these questions. He probably didn’t know the answers either. After all, he wasn't a therapist. He was just someone who's been through a lot of pain, and who's been wrestling with this pain for quite a while. Someone who went out of his way to help someone else that he knew was still new and unprepared. He didn't have to do that. The Shadow he knew wouldn’t do that.  
But to be fair, did he even know Shadow that well in the first place?

Way back, when Shadow emerged from his stasis only to find out that the world as he knew it didn’t exist anymore; when multiple bad actors came out of the woodwork tripping over themselves to get him on their side and used his sore, scrambled memories to sway his judgement; when these memories, the only thing he had left, betrayed him too - was there anyone there for him to do what he was doing for Sonic now? When his lonely capsule pierced the planet’s atmosphere, mere minutes after his life fell apart right before his eyes, was there anyone to hold his hand and patiently walk him through his first panic attack? When everything, from his allegiances to his personhood, was balancing on a single brittle question mark, was there anyone to scold him fiercely, yet with genuine care, for not being patient with himself? 

Was that why he was doing it? Because he sensed something that he, too, went through, and wanted to make sure Sonic didn’t feel as alone as he did back then?

A soft, fluttering feeling filled Sonic’s chest. It wasn’t anxiety this time. Sonic wasn’t quite sure what it was, but so far, it’s been the most pleasant feeling he’s had through the course of this turbulent night.

\- ...You know… - Sonic smiled a tiny, wandering smile. - There was another reason why I was acting so smug in Death Egg. That was because I knew that down here, you hadn’t given up. Even when you all thought I was dead, even as Eggman was taking more and more, you were all willing to fight tooth and nail for those few that remained. As I was refusing to give Eggman the satisfaction of knowing that he’d won, so were you. Eggman is a sore loser. He gets really frustrated when things aren’t going his way. And of course he took it all out on me. And it hurt, but... that was how I knew that my world was not going down without a fight. That when I escaped and returned, it would still be waiting for me. That knowledge got me through a lot of particularly nasty days. So for that, to you, to all of you… thank you.

Shadow looked at Sonic and blinked slowly, his face rapidly cycling through a whole variety of indescribable expressions. He swiftly turned away before Sonic could decipher any of them.  
Sonic could swear he saw a hint of a blush though.

\- Thank me for not kicking you in the head for saying something so cheesy and messed up at the same time, - he hissed. - How are you so consistently obnoxious?  
For the first time this night, for the first time in days, Sonic laughed a genuine, hearty laugh.  
\- Heh, well. You know me, Shadow. That’s just the way I am.

**Author's Note:**

> So, Sega, was it really necessary to offhandedly mention Sonic being tortured in a space jail for 6 months if you obviously weren't going to follow up on that in any way? Were we supposed to just accept it like, oh, yeah, he's fine? I think we all know the answer. Anyway,
> 
> If you liked this piece, you may also want to check out the fancomic I've been making for the past year. It does not include explorations of Sonic's trauma, that's what this fic was for, but don't worry, it also gets pretty angsty at times. AND it has action scenes. Read it here: https://stepping-on-shadows.coolbirdchie.com
> 
> Special thanks to my friend Rae (@ravnervn) for proofreading!


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